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Dear blog buddies,

I’m very sorry for being inactive as a blog buddy and friend. It’s not like me to not blog in a while or not read your wonderful stories and comment on them. Anyway, here it comes:

I failed. I failed while I had 80% marks for my exams. I failed my internship. I was practising at the Law Court in my city. I was basically ‘working’ there. Unfortunately, when my internship started in February, my depression started as well. During the same time. (These two things could be linked but I don’t know). Because of my ‘illness’ I functioned not as they expected. I wasn’t being myself. People who instructed me there are all really nice people. They really helped me. But they had to grade my internship too and they had to be a little hard on that. I’ll have to re-do my internship somewhere else. Another 19 weeks… after the summer holidays.

Summer holidays. For me it means a time to reorganize my life. My life is a chaotic chaos at the moment. I failed at school. I won’t be able to enroll in the Media study I wanted to (at least, not before I get my current diploma). I’m depressed. I’m suicidal. Medicines make me more sick than I already am. The psychologists don’t know what to do with me. My parents keep forgiving me.

I need to get out of here for a while.

So… I’m leaving this Tuesday (the 17th) to India. To my relatives there. I’ve lived in India as a child. I don’t remember being depressed in India even once. That country is too colourful. That world is soooo different than the one I currently live in. Perhaps seeing others in misery will make me realise the value of my own comfortable life? What a crybaby I am… I’ll be back on the 25th of July…

So, you guys must be wondering. How was Spain? It was good. It was good to be away from daily life. I took lots of photo’s and here they are:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/enkyori/

I want to change the domain name. I already chose a new one. But first I have to suspend this one and make the new one I ordered the main domain. The new one is: www.cat-unleashed.com/. But something went wrong while paying for it. I contacted the support department. But it could take a while. I hope it will be working on Monday. Otherwise I can only look into it when I’m back in Holland. But of course, being a internet addict, I’ll be in a internet cafe the day I land in India haha.

If my site is offline for a while: fear not! This geek has plans Hey! I’ve prove!
http://cat-unleashed.deviantart.com/

Anyway, all of you, enjoy your holidays and see ya! Nya~! Meow~! Miauw~! Whatever~!

 ¬.¬

Ok… so, do I need to mention that this blog is on a little hiatus?

I started my internship at the court in first week of February. It went good. I have very nice colleagues. I think I made good impression. ‘Cause everything I did was faultless. But good times don’t last forever.

Soon after that I got depressed without reason. I mean: real depression. Clinical depression. :| But, it was weird … nothing happened. I mean, nothing bad happened at that moment. Everything is going well. I’ll have my diploma in June when I finish my internship. *sigh* But, my depression got only worse. Suddenly, all I wanted to do was lie in bed and do nothing… I stayed home for 2 weeks. The people at my internship are helpful and they understand. Especially my mentor there.

Depression quickly led to suicidal thoughts. Yeah, I became a suicidal person… I even looked up information how I wanted to commit suicide. What methods I can use, stuff I need… what time I should do it… and things like that. Eventually I ended up in a crisis (mental? lol) department of the city hospital. I got antidepressant (Paroxetine). And they got nice side effects like headache, nausea, loss of concentration, and… suicide ideation. Haha, yeah, my medicine got ’suicide’ as a side effect. (Which is getting worse.)

I’m not like announcing my suicide or something. LOL, I think ‘90 day Jane’ got more than enough attention.

Basically, the first question people ask me is: “why do you want to commit suicide?” I believe it’s a very good question but people don’t understand my answer. My answer is always: “Because I believe that every human being has the right to decide about his/her own life and death. It’s called freedom. I got no problems. I’m just bored. I think I’ve seen everything and I want to ‘leave’. I don’t want to participate in the game called ‘life’. It’s not interesting enough. There are none to few things that I enjoy. But I’m ready to sacrifice those things if I’m allowed to die.”.

Eh, so what am I going to do with my blog…? I don’t know. I will keep it as a blog and blog when I feel like it. :)
Yes, I’m selfish. :)

P.S. I hope I didn’t scare anyone away :| Because I’m scared of myself too at the moment. lol.

 ∞

First of all, Merii Kurisumasu and…

I came back from Den Haag this morning. So tired ~.~

I bought most of the stuff on my list…

• a coat
• an overcoat - it was kinda expensive (not on the list xD)
• a scarf – it’s so soft whaaaaaaaaaaaaaeeeeeeee
• optical mouse for my notebook - it’s so small xD I’ll have to get used to it
• a cardigan

Oh yeah, my job interview went fantastic… till they told me something nobody knew. We, me and another classmate, were told that the law court needed TWO trainees/interns. So we both sent a letter of application. But due to some circumstances they could only take one of us. *tear tear* They said they’d call us. *heart attack* They called me exactly in 15 minutes after my job interview, and told me that I was accepted. *jumps around* I’ll earn € 200 a month, and I’ve a free day every Monday! XD

HOLIDAYS! xD

Okay, that was totally random.

There’s something I’ve to finish for school in the holidays. I have to make this brochure for Public Press&Public Relation. It can be about a company or a product, real or fake. I’m making one about a freelance web developer: ENKYORI (.org). Hehe, there’s truth somewhere in there. xD
Now, I only have to create mini website templates in Photoshop for the ‘portfolio’ part. Even though we are allowed to use images from the internet, it doesn’t feel right to make screenshots of other websites and paste them in the brochure as my ‘own’ work.
I’ve also been looking for special A4-format paper for the brochure. I want it to be smooth just like photo paper. But it has to be thinner than photo paper. :S Can’t find it! :@ WHAAAAAAA

I want manga! T_______T I wanted to order some manga for Christmas but in January/February new volumes will release … :S So it’s best to wait ;_;

Wishlist manga:

• D.Gray-Man ; vol 1, 2, etc.
• Kanna ; vol 2, vol 3 (1 feb 2008)
• Blood + ; vol 1 (16 jan 2008)
• Kami Kaze ; vol 4
• Genshiken ; vol 2

There’s something else I really really want! If I don’t get it, I’ll die!

It’s the chibi D.gray-Man 2008 calendar!

I tried to order it through someone on a Dutch forum. He lives in Japan. But he said it’s sold out! No wonder it’s sold out! Who can resist so much cuteness/chibiness!? xD

Well, anyway, Happy Holidays and enjoy your apple pie xD

∞

Like I said in my last blog entry. My mom is on vacation in India. Because of that I don’t have as much free time as I used to. I’m starting to respect her. *sigh*

I had a exam about Public Press&Public Relation on Friday. A re-examination actually. Because I screwed it the first time I took the damn exam. And lucky me *sarcasm*, it was the same exam version! Wtf, they have different versions of every exam and I just happen to get the same exam twice. Yeah, sure.

Oh and I finally have an appointment for an interview for my student internship at the Law Court.

Tomorrow, 9.45 am

I’m nervous. I really am. Until today, I’ve only had one successful job interview. It was for my previous internship at the Dutch Law Administration. I’m stuffing information in my head about ‘Public Prosecution’, because that’s the department that I’ll work at. IF it all goes well. *la sigh*

But it’s almost Christmas so I’m supposed to have happy happy times. Yeah, I will. I’m going to Den Haag (some big important city in the Netherlands) for shopping next week (Monday). I need a new winter coat, a wireless optical mouse, pullover/sweater, a messenger bag for my laptop and some blouses. We’ll be staying over at some relatives.

In my last blog entry I mentioned that I want to draw Lavi (character from the anime/manga D.Gray-Man) fanart.

I can’t draw. ^^;

I read tons of tutorials about how to create chibi’s. Because I love chibi’s. I spent a whole day reading tutorials and doodling 3 or 4 pages with ugly chibi’s. But I finally created something that I liked… a little. I’m currently vectoring it in Photoshop.

Yes, I’m a noob and I DO know that vectors are created in Illustrator and not in Photoshop.

This is how it looks like:

I FINALLY upgraded to the latest version of Wordpress. I was afraid I’d screw it up. But I made a back-up before upgrading. And it turned out to be so easy :| I’m also working on a ‘about me’ page. Almost finished. Oh and now you can view my ‘recently played tracks’ under blog buddies.

I’m starting to get tired of this layout… I intended to create a three column layout in the beginning and ended up with this instead. I’ll do something about it in my four-day weekend (and the smilies!). And may I welcome my very first blog buddy: Kat!

Let’s talk about school. It’s kind of getting boring. Since it’s my last year of this (law) course, I only have 2 subjects left. And an IMMENSELY BIG STUPID project (just like last year). So that explains my four-day weekends.

But things will get hectic (I love the word hectic!) once I start my final student internship. Yup, I’ll be a trainee from February to June (again). I ‘worked’ at the Dutch Tax Administration last time, and this time I’ll ‘work’ these 18/19 weeks at the law-court (if I’m lucky). They are currently looking for two trainees. Another girl from my class is applying or has already done that. I got the permission to apply too today. I’ll call that person tomorrow first thing in the morning. Wish me good luck, because I’m little nervous. If I’m lucky I may send a letter of application. A job interview will follow after that. The fun part is: the law-court is NEXT TO MY SCHOOL. Basically I only have to cycle 15/17 minutes to get there xD Everyone in my class wanted to ‘work’ at the law-court because of that.

Hmm, I know I used the term ‘work’ with a quotation mark. I can’t think of another way to put this.

OMG, it’s 23:14, need to go to sleep xD