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Well, I’ve been doing well I guess. Well, actually not that good, but compared to the past few months… I’m OK. I remember cursing myself for blowing up my internship and thus failing at school. But… it was time to start anew. Another try, another attempt to pick up my life where I left it. Yup, together with my school I was able to find yet another internship place (a muncipility).

It’s like my second week there, and up until now, I’m doing well. Well, considering my depression and suicide ideation. BTW, I’m still receiving treatment for that. Waking up early to get the bus and then the train (1 hour ride) and seeing people is good. It’s a routine. Routine is good. If you just sit home doing nothing productives, you will eventually feel like you are unwanted (which just adds to your depression).

Anyway… at the same time I just can’t get rid of my slothfullness. Sloth is a sin, and I think I understand why. I really really don’t want to participate in anything. I’m doing my internship at the moment, because of anger. Anger towards myself for failing it. Yeah, ok, that is not a very good motivation but I don’t let people know Once I’m done with it, I don’t know what I will do. If I want to be a person who contributes to the society: I’ll study further in Media Designing. If I just want to stop with everything, I guess I’ll get suicidal again lol.

Anyway, I’ve got enough time to think about that. I’ll be done with my internship on the 19th of December…  I want  survive… survive these 2 months of struggle. I’m only concentrating on this internship and nothing else. (Even though evil thoughts still find their way into my head lol).

 ¬.¬

Ok… so, do I need to mention that this blog is on a little hiatus?

I started my internship at the court in first week of February. It went good. I have very nice colleagues. I think I made good impression. ‘Cause everything I did was faultless. But good times don’t last forever.

Soon after that I got depressed without reason. I mean: real depression. Clinical depression. :| But, it was weird … nothing happened. I mean, nothing bad happened at that moment. Everything is going well. I’ll have my diploma in June when I finish my internship. *sigh* But, my depression got only worse. Suddenly, all I wanted to do was lie in bed and do nothing… I stayed home for 2 weeks. The people at my internship are helpful and they understand. Especially my mentor there.

Depression quickly led to suicidal thoughts. Yeah, I became a suicidal person… I even looked up information how I wanted to commit suicide. What methods I can use, stuff I need… what time I should do it… and things like that. Eventually I ended up in a crisis (mental? lol) department of the city hospital. I got antidepressant (Paroxetine). And they got nice side effects like headache, nausea, loss of concentration, and… suicide ideation. Haha, yeah, my medicine got ’suicide’ as a side effect. (Which is getting worse.)

I’m not like announcing my suicide or something. LOL, I think ‘90 day Jane’ got more than enough attention.

Basically, the first question people ask me is: “why do you want to commit suicide?” I believe it’s a very good question but people don’t understand my answer. My answer is always: “Because I believe that every human being has the right to decide about his/her own life and death. It’s called freedom. I got no problems. I’m just bored. I think I’ve seen everything and I want to ‘leave’. I don’t want to participate in the game called ‘life’. It’s not interesting enough. There are none to few things that I enjoy. But I’m ready to sacrifice those things if I’m allowed to die.”.

Eh, so what am I going to do with my blog…? I don’t know. I will keep it as a blog and blog when I feel like it. :)
Yes, I’m selfish. :)

P.S. I hope I didn’t scare anyone away :| Because I’m scared of myself too at the moment. lol.